Tad and I have talked recently about the transitions we made in having children: from no kids to one, from one to two, and from two to three.
We realize we differ in our opinions as to which transitions were harder!
Zero to One
My Take: Going from having no children to having one is definitely a big jump. Suddenly you’re in charge of caring for every need of a helpless baby. I remember how hard it was to get out of the door, and how (mostly) giving up spontaneity was challenging. There is also so much of an opportunity to trust God in the face of temptation to worry about everything concerning your baby’s life. Everything is new: diapers, feeding, milestones, sleeping, etc. People are always giving (well-intended) advice, and it’s sometimes hard to feel confident in making decisions (since there are so many different ways to parent well). I did eventually get in a groove, but shortly after that time, we had a new one in the mix!
Tad’s Take: Zero to one changed everything. It meant we had someone who was completely dependent on us for every need that she had. On the way home from the hospital, I had the thought, “What are they thinking letting us take her home?” We didn’t know what we were doing, but we were able to figure everything out.
One to Two
My Take: This was really hard for me. The first time I ever went a whole day without seeing Vera was the day after Cordelia was born and we were still in the hospital. It completely broke my heart to be spending time with Cordelia instead of both of them together (even though Vera was being lovingly cared for by my mom). That feeling of being “torn” didn’t go away for a while. It was crazy challenging to try and meet the needs of two little people, both of whom did not understand waiting. This transition may be easier for families where the age gap is greater, but for me, it was really hard. I didn’t go anywhere with the two girls without Tad’s help for months. I was really brave (I thought) last summer when I took both girls out to eat for Vera’s birthday (sit down restaurant, potty-training preschooler, food-flinging toddler, and full-term-pregnant mama). Getting up the nerves to make that trip was really hard, but I’m so glad I did it.
Tad’s Take: We brought a baby home from the hospital before, so we knew what we were doing (kind of). There were two of us, and two of them, so we were evenly matched. One of us could always take care of each of them. It was difficult when both of them were left with me, because then I was outnumbered. Also, sometimes they would both demand our attention, so it was sometimes difficult. I believe this was the easiest transition because we already had experience with a baby, and we could do a man-on-man defense.
Two to Three
My Take: Slipping a third baby into our family was easier for me than going from one to two. I think there are several reasons: Vera is old enough to be somewhat helpful (plus she understands waiting), Cordelia is a more compliant child than Vera (though not perfect by any means!), and Tad has been home a lot because of his job situation. I didn’t deal with baby blues at all this time (I did when Vera was born, though I didn’t realize it until later), so I’m sure that has helped. When you’re down, it’s hard to see the big picture and enjoy the present. Even though we’re outnumbered all the time, I do try to keep a sense of humor. For example, we have a “rule” that we can’t have all three kids crying at once, so Tad and I do whatever it takes when we’re nearing that moment (2 out of 3 are wailing with a third one’s lip quivering) to not let all three cry at the same time (we pick one up, dance, are silly, etc.). Because I don’t have enough hands, I think I’m more aware of my dependence on God in this season. I’m learning to trust and let go more while praying lots for protection for my kids. God loves them even more than I do, and that’s a lot! This season with three is the “new normal,” and now that Jude is 7 months old, I’m starting to feel like things aren’t as crazy as they used to be. (Just wait until he starts walking!)
Tad’s Take: Going from two to three was difficult because we now have three children and only two of us. The position of authority is almost an illusion when you have three children and only two adults. (If children ever realize this, we’ll all be in trouble.) But what are you to do when your youngest child just spit up on himself and had a blow-out, your middle child is running around naked, and your oldest child is crying in the corner because she lost her coupon? (I’m not making this up.) You’re going to have to make some challenging ethical decisions about which child to save (spoiler, not the one crying over a coupon). The transition to three was difficult, but I hear it gets easier at 4 (no, this isn’t an announcement).
Ultimately, we know that God has sustained us at each point of transition and that he is using parenting to sanctify us! Having kids is challenging, definitely, but it’s another beautiful opportunity to cling to the Lord in all things.
We’re dying to know… if you have one kiddo, how was the transition from 0 to 1? If you have more than one, what were those transitions like for you? Anyone out there with upwards of 4? We’ve been told that’s the point where it gets easier. 🙂
fun post. 🙂 For me hardest was going from 1 to 2 for sure. Although going to 1 was hard too because after caleb was born at 4 mo old I had to move to ohio.. 12 hours from anyone we knew. So being 21 and a new pastors wife and new mom that far from anyone was very difficult! However the transition to 2 was harder because I was still alone in ohio and now had 2 and had similar feelings like you had. Felt torn between my 1st born and 2nd to begin with. I think once Taite hit 5 mo old it got easier 🙂 – we also lived with family once taite turned 2 mo, moved in with my mom and dad for 6 mo. before coming to west end 🙂 – so having that time off from ministry helped me…. and I had family around to help.
Going from 2 to 3 was my easiest transition no doubt.
Hardest pregnancy tho.
Going from 3 to 4, INSANELY HARD! Mainly because Travis got no off time and I was just extremely over whelmed with schooling, a newborn and toddler with NO husband around. I do not have fond memories of Reed’s first 6 mo of life… sad huh? was so horrible. lol
Which gives me hope that going from 4 to 5 would be easy HAH!! That is not in our plan any time soon tho, we dont have a steady enough routine and I am to overwhelmed as is, it mentally be suicide for me to think to add another child right now. We need at least a few years 🙂
I have the FUNNIEST son-in-love ever!! (And, he is a GREAT daddy! He always knows just who needs saving the most!!)
Love, <3 MiMi
I have to agree with Drea (previous commenter) that going from 3 to 4 was “insanely hard”. Going from 0 to 1 was a jolt, I was a competent RN on a cardiac unit one day and a mom to a fussy, crying, has-problems-eating 5lb. little boy the very next day. I felt very incompetent in my new position, and I mourned the loss of my previous life. However, adding another baby 15 1/2 months later began the busiest, and I repeat BUSIEST year of my life! I’ve never been so constantly insanely busy 24/7 as that year. It was almost 2 1/2 years later before my third baby was born, and while some things were easier (my older two were potty-trained and could follow verbal instructions), I was still very busy. Then, when no. 3 was 18 months old, our fourth (and last) little baby was born. Even though a lot was easier (such as knowing when to do what, not as stressed about feedings and if they ate enough, and on and on), I was over the edge. The whole year was the worst wreck of a year of my life (and probably I slept the least that year). Not that there was no joy, or that I didn’t enjoy my children at all, but I was completely overwhelmed, completely overloaded, and I knew there was no way out until my little baby was a year old (in general I do not have people that come and help out when my babies are born). It may be a factor that both #3 and #4 suffered reflux and were not happy, content babies, but rather fussy, crying babies for the first year of their lives. I just had to work at being as content as I could to meet one need at a time. It was hard to have to steel my nerves to realize I that some of my kids would have to suffer because I couldn’t be everywhere at once. I couldn’t kiss every bumpy when it happened, I couldn’t settle the fights (they had to figure those out on their own a lot of times), I couldn’t get drinks for everyone every time they wanted one, I couldn’t go help someone off the potty as soon as they were done (they would have to sit and wait until I could come), and just on and on. And sometimes I just had to decide that my needs came first. I was going to sit down and take 4 minutes to eat my sandwich before I did one more thing, and then get back into the circus ring. I was homeschooling in the midst of it all, so that added to my workload and the overwhelmingness of the year.
I had heard that after #3, having more children doesn’t make much difference and it’s all about the same after that. I strongly disagree! Or else I’m just not like other people.
I think about you often, Aliesha, and realize how amazingly busy your life is. I know you are a wonderful mother, and I also know that just as God’s grace was sufficient for me every day, His grace will be there for you too. (I learned how to take naps during the 10 minutes my baby nursed–it’s the only thing that got me through the first year with 4 children.) God bless you and your sweet family!
(And thanks for giving the rest of us a chance to share our raw, behind-the-scenes story! It’s a wonderful privilege for me!)
Caleb was 6 and in school when we had Peyton so I do believe a lot easier than having a little one and a newborn. Peyton was 3 1/2 when Colin was born, I feel that was also an easy transition. Hard parts for our family is the age gap between caleb and peyton, many times he is not interested in playing with her and sometimes tries to tell her what to do. I have to remind him that if he has a problem with her to bring it to me. Since Caleb was already in school when Peyton was born, she has always had most of my attention. She never had to wait for anything or share anything so that part has been hard for her.
I really enjoyed reading this! 🙂
My hardest transition was from 3 to 4, but not just because we were adding another child. For me, it was because Tobin and Shav were much closer in age than my others had been; and since my kids are late to do things like walk, it was NOT easy to have a newborn while having a non-walking 18-month-old and two older kids at the same time. Plus, I still kind of feel like some behavior stuff didn’t get dealt with in Tobin’s heart during his toddler years because I had so much to do that I wasn’t faithful to disciple his heart like I should have been…but by the time he got to age five, a lot of that had worked out. But his prolonged “defiant toddler” stage was not a joy to deal with.
My easiest transition was definitely from 4 to 5! I think there are lots of reasons for that, but two biggies are the fact that my older children were truly helpful AND the realization that the baby stage goes so fast and that I should really cherish those moments, rather than chafe at the restrictions it brings.
“the realization that the baby stage goes so fast and that I should really cherish those moments, rather than chafe at the restrictions it brings.”
Beautiful statement that is true but can be soo hard to grasp in the trenches of toddlers and babies!
Baby One: Tough because I didn’t understand sleep deprivation and was totally unprepared. By month three… we were in a groove and I relished every moment from then on. One to Two: Piece of cake. Loved every minute and felt like he was with us from day one. Two to Three: Wow! I felt an internal struggle because my life began to feel chaotic. We eventually got into a routine, but until then, I was a little nervous about how daily life would flow.
I was always on the go until we had #3. Then, I had to slow things down a bit and try to enjoy more time at home with my kids. 🙂
Super fun post!!
We had a challenging transition into parenthood with our unique health issues… really not knowing why my child was throwing up every meal for MONTHS! And then the doctors not being helpful… just hard! We also had just moved to a small community and I dealt with loneliness. Our transition to 2 kiddos was the hardest… my little man was a HARD, fussy baby! He only slept on my chest (so no sleep at night!!), had issues nursing and new food allergies! Baby #3 was a complete surprise that we wouldn’t have purposefully planned b/c we were desperately in survival mode still… but 14 months later we had 3 kiddos and since the hose was already in “baby mode” not a lot changed… just more diapers so 2.5 years 3 different pregnancies with 3 kids.
Thankfully and gratefully we got another chance to enjoy the baby days with #4. There was a BIG gap so when #4 came the “older” ones were potty trained, dressing themselves and very independent. It was a lot easier and seeing the older siblings loving and helping was such a treasure!
While I’m extremely thankful for my “3in a row” who have blossomed into great friends and awesome classmates, I am so grateful for my younger 4th born!
We’re about to find out how easy the transition to four is???? I hope it’s not too hard, I don’t feel overwhelmed about it. I think that each baby has had challenges but I’m not sure which is the hardest…I know I had a hard time after my last pregnancy because my body didn’t seem to have a chance to recover with two toddlers and a newborn and Joshua had to go back to teach school right after baby was born and my recovery was just that much longer…but Gideon and Tirzah have been great helps–and will be even more so now and Chloe was a good baby–she still is, she just likes to use her will these days and say no a lot. We shall see what will happen…I’m so glad that God has given me the strength so far and this time Joshua will have more time to be home and help me for a couple weeks!!! Thanks Aliesha for sharing, I enjoyed it!